Today is our day for visiting my in-laws. I’m also going to see my stepdaughter for the first time since I learned she is pregnant and that I am going to be a grandmother.
I’ve had a month to mull this news over and hash out all my issues, so that when I see her I can show her that I am genuinely happy. I’m almost there, too.
I was surprised to discover that the fact that she is having a baby and I am not has not affected me nearly as much as I expected. Likewise, the fact that I will be a grandmother before I am 40 hasn’t fazed me in the least. I’ve been worried about how she and her husband will survive financially with an extra mouth to feed; I’m wondering if her husband will step up to the plate and support her physically and emotionally as well. But having dowsed all those fears and got them under control, I’m quite looking forward to grandmotherhood. It will be fun to have a baby in the family, even if not under our own roof. I’ve made my peace with the whole thing.
Until this morning.
I woke up early, after a strange dream about winning a backstroke swim race on dry land and then being contacted by Anne Lamott; she wanted to include an essay I’d written about becoming a grandmother in an anthology she was publishing. Like I say, it was a strange dream. But I awoke with an overpowering sense of sadness. I lay in bed for a while, trying to figure out the reason for this sudden dark cloud. Slowly, it occurred to me that this new chapter in my stepdaughter’s life feels like the end of a chapter in mine. I am passing the responsibility of bringing children into the world along to the next generation; I had my shot and it didn’t work out. So, now I’m skipping the natural progression from child to mother and going straight to being a grandmother.
I feel justified in my misery this morning, but in a couple of hours I’ll need to put on my game face and go and be a doting, excited grandmother-to-be. And I will, because I am. But underneath that, the mother-that-never-was is going to be just a little bit sad.
Adela, as I picture her in my imagination
About Me
- Lisa
- Lisa Manterfield is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in print in Los Angeles Times Magazine, on stage at LA’s Powerhouse Theatre, and online in her monthly column at Mad As Hell Club. She is currently working on a memoir entitled, I’m Taking My Eggs and Going Home: How One Woman Dared to Say No to Motherhood.
3 comments:
i feel for you in this situation. that surely isn't easy, but i see some positive in it. maybe being a "grannie" will eventually show you that you're ready to be a mother? maybe it's the last test on your journey and finally put the doubts to rest? stranger things have happened in life and i actually do know some aunts that are younger than their nieces and nephews. so, please don't let yourself be discouraged by this development. you've still got time and i do know you'd make a wonderful, laid-back mother to a child :)
I love your writing. This is so real, and I appreciate how you share it. I suppose, like anything, there will be a silver lining in this. You will be the "cool grandma" for sure, even if it's just because you'll be better able to keep up with and play with the kids than most retired, sedentary grandparents. :-) Please keep telling us your story.
Thank you for your support and encouragement. So far, the silver lining seems to be all the additional material I'm gathering to write about! But yes, something else good will come from this. Saturday was like the 7th level of hell, but today, it's beginning to be funny. Next installment coming soon.
Thanks for being there.
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