Raising Someone Else's Child

This ought to be a time of joy and excitement; after all we’re on the road to getting the family we want. But in order for something good to happen to us, something bad has to happen to someone else. More realistically, many bad things have to happen to lots of other people, including the children we hope to adopt.

In this week’s class, we role-played a foster care scenario. I played the role of the birth mother, whose children were removed from my care and placed in foster homes. Because of certain circumstances my children were placed with different sets of foster parents, one of whom wanted to adopt my two-year old daughter. The story had a happy ending in that I got my children back (after a year!) but I came out of the exercise feeling utterly devastated. It was heartbreaking to have my children taken away and placed with strangers and even more distressing to see my children so upset and frightened.

The exercise really helped me empathize with the birth parents. I understand that even though they may be in trouble and unable to cope with their children, in many cases they don’t want to lose them. I can fully understand that. I also understood that birth parents might feel threatened by foster parents and worried they’re going to “steal” their children. Because Jose and I ultimately want to adopt, I can see that, if the birth parents are still in the picture, we are going to have to be mindful of their feelings and remember that we will be raising their child.

It was also made very clear to me that, no matter how bad the situation they are taken from, children want to be with their natural parents. Jose and I are not going to be knights in shining armor saving the day and the children we take in are not going to be grateful that they get to live with us. At least not right away.

Despite all this doom and gloom, I feel strangely hopeful (although Jose hasn’t arrived at this point, yet). The best interests of the children are always the top priority in this process, so I know that one day a child will come to us who will be coming to a better life than the one he or she left behind. There is some degree of encouragement in that.