I haven’t posted anything for a few days (okay, a couple of weeks), in part because I’ve been busy, but mainly because every time I settle on a subject to write about, I get a new piece of information or a new insight and my opinion changes. Just as my thoughts and feelings begin to make sense and have some clarity, something new comes up and everything gets turned on its head again. If I had to choose one word to describe how I’m feeling today about this whole process, it would definitely be “conflicted”.
In the very first orientation meeting we attended, the social worker told us that this would be a long, hard, and emotional journey, and not for the faint of heart. I thought I was ready for that, but I had no idea it would be so difficult, so soon and in this manner.
Here is a partial list of current conflicts:
1a) How to parent a child who has had more life experience in their few years than Jose and I in our combined 90 years.
1b) How to find balance between my natural parenting instincts and how I’m being taught to parent a child with special needs.
2a) Am I strong enough to take on this challenge and do a good job of raising a child and giving them the home they deserve?
2b) Knowing what I know now (and perhaps wishing that I didn’t know), could I ever walk away and decide not to do this?
3a) Is adopting a child from foster care going to be an adequate substitute for a child of my own?
3b) I’m not sure it should be a substitute, but if it is something different, is that really what I want?
3c) What exactly is it that I want?
3d) Does what I want really matter anymore?
I don’t yet have answers to a single one of these questions.
Other than that, everything’s going great.
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2 comments:
sadly, i don't know the answers to many of those questions neither. but what i do know is the one to 2a).
you're strong enough to do this and any child would be happy for parents so well-prepared from the start. people adopting have to think through so many difficult subjects. nobody requires a pregnant couple to weigh all the pros and cons of having a child so thoroughly. people ultimately get pregnant by chance, even if they planned for it. but adopting always means a conscious choice of taking a child into your home, especially a child with special needs. and ultimately, if the agency considers you fit to go through with this, you probably are. they wouldn't give you a little one if they didn't think you're up for this :)
Me too. Great piece.
JAC
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