Postcards from the Adoption Vacation

Today I was reprimanded (albeit gently) for taking an adoption vacation and not sending postcards. It hasn’t been a deliberate withholding of information; I just can’t seem to hang on to one emotion or opinion long enough to get it down on paper.

At first I thought it was just a pendulum thing, where I’d swing from “Let’s move forward with adoption” to “Maybe we shouldn’t have children at all” and at some point come to rest in something resembling the middle. But there is no middle with this; we’re in or we’re out, there is nothing in between.

Then I thought maybe it was more like wave theory (which I vaguely remember from high school physics, where I’d vacillate back and forth but ultimately move progressively closer to a certain point. In truth, the whole thing is much more analogous to Brownian Motion, or particle theory, where emotions and ideas bombard me from random angles and the net force of these opinions pushes me in one direction or the other.

Right now, today, this second, as I’m writing this, I’m of the mind that maybe I wasn’t supposed to be a mother, maybe the universe has a different plan for me. So I’m working hard, writing like a maniac, and keeping an eye open for that slightly open door of opportunity.

But on Thursday morning, I’ll do my stint as a volunteer at my hospital’s Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit and holding the babies might make me yearn for motherhood, or it might make me think that Assisted Reproductive Technology might be worth the risk, or it might just reinforce that motherhood is a big hassle and I’m better off without it. Then on Thursday night we’ll meet our new friends from the adoption class. They’re moving forward with adoption and maybe they’ll make me realize that it’s something we should do, or maybe I’ll see that we’re not the people for the job. And on Saturday we’ll get to meet a friend of a friend who went through the foster-adopt process and has a daughter. Maybe she’ll tell us it’s the most rewarding experience she’s ever had, or maybe she’ll say it’s a recipe for heartache.

So, you see why I haven’t posted in a while; I’m no longer sure I’m capable of making any sense. But I’ll try. I will make an attempt to apply some logic to the mess of ideas that’s buzzing around in my head. Maybe that way, the solution, if there is one, will come to me. I’ll be posting again soon.